Friday, July 10, 2009
Numb… there are people around me, just next to me, their voices like a noise in the background, they a blur vision.
My emotions are in a whirlpool, but I cannot feel any. I know its there, like a needle piercing the skin. You know it’s getting into you, you can see it happening, but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t feel it. I am craving to feel the pain... more importantly feel.
Till few days back, I thought it was pain that made me feel real... flesh and blood, but that too has gone. I feel. No I don’t feel, more like a zombie, living but not alive. There was a time when I wanted to be like this, above all and beyond all. But now that I am here, I have my doubts.
Isn’t this human nature, never to be satisfied with what you have? We all talk of contentment but its not there. And I think it’s good. If all were content and satisfied, the world would come to a halt. So who draws a line- to be satisfied or to crave, to feel or not to feel?
I craved for 'not to feel', and now the desire 'to feel' has become stronger than the craving. I am not wandering, I know where I am and where I have come, but where to now? I want to go on - where and towards what I don’t know. Perhaps this is life. Embarking upon an endless journey, experiencing what you get and not knowing what more is to come.
This fact, however, doesn't dull that curiosity to know- What next?
Everyday at school I was told to do so.
Whack! comes a slap from my mom...
can't you think and do something.
Whack! comes another one.... do something,
come out of the dream world & stop thinking.
To think or not to think, is what I am thinking.
That was childhood, now I am an adult.
Profession demands it, relationship doesn't.
If I don’t think, I can’t do a thing (ah! it rhymes)
Yes, I aspire to be an ad person, a journalist, a movie maker…
So if today I don’t think,
all these things will go dong-ding.
If I think, my relationship goes out of sync (ah! ah! it rhymes again)
"you think too much", is all I get to hear.
I have no plans to live life alone
so I have to shut my mind up
for my relationship to be always full of zing!
Now what are you thinking???
Do I really think or just waste ink
writing on whether....
to think or not to think!!!
I have been born and brought up in this city. It became so much a part of me and my system that I failed to realize and discover it as a separate entity. and then one day, just out of my routine life, something inside me kicked real hard and I woke up to a new world altogether. The surprising part is that everything was the same- the buildings, the lanes, the furniture, the people but suddenly all of it had taken a new meaning. It all became real. The background I had been living with all my life came to the foreground, and this perspective gave a new meaning to my life. It was such an amazing feeling... like a small budding leaf realising that there is this big, huge tree it is a part of. Not only did I start to live my life with a new gust but also of everybody around me.
I stayed like this for a while and throughout there was an effort on my part to awaken others too, to this truth... that we all are on the same continuum... and we are just a part of the process. However, not so soon I realised that people are just not bothered. It doesn't matter to them. They are very comfortable and at ease with leading a life of passive existence, in cocoons they have unknowingly built around themselves. The cocoons that act as barriers to the truth. Living in an illusion that the world begins and ends within that small little chamber. We, me n them, share the same environment, and ironically it was I who was labeled unrealistic, a romantic.
I fought all this for till I realised all my efforts were in vain. And gradually I too built a cocoon around myself, limiting and defining my world with a boundary. The very boundary I had defied had refused to accept. Deep inside I did feel guilty at times, I felt I was cheating myself, like the rest. But then I realised that it’s not myself but them I am cheating, depriving them of the reality I hide within, because they don’t deserve to know.
At the end of the day I too am in a cocoon, you may say, but honey here is life breathing within... unlike the rest.
Time flies by, and before I could realize, everything around me had undergone a metamorphosis. Earlier I had sulked about letting anybody moving in, but now I couldn’t even feel that. Suddenly, all my space had been taken away; virtually there was no room for me to breathe. There were buildings all around me. The lawns were nowhere to be seen. Blaring horns greeted the morning and the sounds from daily living, now elevated to the level of noise, welcomed the night. Cars had come up in place of children. In all this chaos I missed out on my companions too. And just then, I felt like a stranger in my own territory, my own life. I had lost my individuality and myself. Nobody remembered me. I had become one of the lots, another brick in the wall. There was such a pouring in of people I failed to recognize my own from the crowd. I ceased to live and started to exist. Buildings after buildings had crammed into my space and I had been unable to recognize this. What I had thought of as progress, had actually taken my life into the regressive mode.
This is my sad but true tale. And if you haven’t yet woken up to the fact, unfortunately yours too.